The Talk
by Basani
Summary: It's time. The Avatar is old enough. T for references. Taang
1. Chapter 1

**Name : The Talk**

**Description : Aang's finally going to face his worst nightmare... THE TALK!**

**Ships : Taang, Zutara hinting**

**Disclaimer : I regret to say that I do not own anything of note, least of all the amazing Avatar : The Last Airbender series. That particular honour goes to Mike and Bryan. Neither do I own the characters. Or the places. All I own is this fic. (Do I even own that? Or does FFNET take possession? Must find out!)**

**I think Toph's sorta OOC in this. I'm not really sure why. (A/N : A couple of my reviewers have assured me that she's not! Woohoo!)**

**

* * *

  
**

*BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG*

"Go away!" barked Zuko. _If Ty Lee came in ONE more time to _help_ with my aura..._

"Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed."said the petite earthbender.

"Toph? What are you doing here?" said the surprised Fire Lord. "Is there something you want?"

"What, I can't visit an old friend now? Your rules suck, Sparky!" replied Toph, grinning like the insufferable brat she was.

"You _can_, but I don't think I'll live to see the day _will._" he retorted.

"We-ell, there is _some_thing..." Toph grinned.

"And no, you cannot borrow my bodyguards to _test their reflexes_. Kuan still hasn't recovered from the last time!" said Zuko.

"No, I-" said Toph.

"And no drinking firewhisky! Do you know HOW much it cost me to restore the Palace grounds?" interrupted Zuko.

"No, what I want is-" said Toph, trying to get a word in.

"And absolutely NO floor dancing! Katara's not in the best of moods right now, being preganant." interrupted Zuko, again.

"What, again!" said Toph, surprised. "I _thought_ Sugar Queen had two heartbeats, it was like there was a girl inside her!"

"Yeah, Ran's so exite- WHAT! It's a girl??" screamed Zuko.

"Yup." said the preening Master Earthbender.

"Excellent, I win!" said Zuko, smirking smugly.

"What??" said Toph.

"I bet that it would be a girl this time! Now Katara has to name her Shao!" crowed Zuko.

"Uh, right, sure. Do the dragons know you're naming your kids after 'em?" asked Toph.

"Yeah, they're cool. Ran met them last year. He was just one, so he wasn't scared at all!" said Zuko, proudly.

"Hey, you're happy that you know that your next kid's a girl, right?" said Toph, with that nasty look in her sightless eyes.

"Yes..." replied Zuko.

"So...." said Toph, obviously frustated at the Fire Lord's thickness, "You owe me!"

Zuko flinched. _Crap._ _This is gonna _hurt.

"Okay. So, what do you want?" Zuko said.

"You know that Twinkletoes was raised as a monk, right?" said the suddenly embarrassed Earthbender.

"Yeah." said Zuko.

"And you know that he hasn't had any, y'know, parentish figure, right? I mean, other than Iroh, but they don't see each other that often and-" Toph said.

"Just get to the poi-.... Oh, no, you cannot be saying what I think you're saying!" said Zuko.

"Please, Zuko? He need a guy to tell him this stuff and well, you _know_ how Snoozles would react!" pleaded Toph.

"Well, yes, but-" started Zuko.

"Pretty pretty please with fireflakes on top?" wheedled Toph.

"..... Why do you think I would be suited to the job anyway?" said Zuko, trying to get out of the admittedly unpleasant task.

"I was talking to Sweetness yesterday and she went on and on about the last night! She said-" explained Toph.

"What! She told you about.. that?!?" said Zuko, mortified.

"Pretty please?" said Toph, making puppy eyes at Zuko. "My sex life hangs in the balance!"

* * *

**If you loved the chapter, liked it a bit, thought it was so-so, disliked it or despised it, PLEASE review and tell me! I'll give you chocolates if you do! *waves Toblerones***

**EDIT:Damn, I'm desperate, amn't I?**

**~KoZ**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey people. Sorry for the ridiculously long wait. But, I am finally done. Again, if you hate it, REVIEW! If you like it, REVIEW and if you love it, definitely REVIEW! Reviews are the lifeblood of an author, particularly starting ones like me. And, if you can, please make 'em long.**

**A note please. BOLD are Zuko's thoughts. **_Italic _**are the Voice Inside His Head.**

**Disclaimer : ****I regret to say that I do not own anything of note, least of all the amazing Avatar : The Last Airbender series. That particular honour goes to Mike and Bryan. Neither do I own the characters. Or the places.**

**Here we go.**

**

* * *

  
**

Zuko is very brave. But the prospect of having to give 'The Talk' to a pubescent Master Avatar can make anyone feel a tad scared. Or at least, that's what he told himself.

_Come on Zuko. You can do this. You faced the Dragon Masters, you can do this._

**The Dragon Masters would have just killed me. And maybe they would have eaten me. Aang might go into the Avatar State and destroy the Fire Nation!**

_Calm down, you moron. You don't trust Aang enough._

**I trust Aang! I trust him to destroy my Nation out of terminal embarrassment!**

_See, there he is. And he's alone too. Do this for Toph, you lily-livered coward!_

Zuko shook his head. He squared his shoulders. He took a deep breath. And he stepped out to face Aang.

"Hey Sifu Hotman!"

"Hey Aang. And stop calling me that."

"Sure thing, Sifu Hotman" he repeated.

"If you say so, _Twinkletoes._"

"... Low blow Zuko."

"I didn't start it."

"You don't see me calling you _Zuzu_ do you?"

"Damn right. I wouldn't call you Twink-."

"..."

"Anyway, there are more important things to discuss now."

"Like?"

"Like the furthering of your education."

"But I've already mastered the four Elements!"

"There are more important things in this world than the four Elements, Aang."

"And you're gonna teach me them?"

"Yes."

"Okay, Sifu Hot-"

Zuko glared at Aang.

"-Zuko."

"So, Aang…Do you know were babies come from?"

"Yeah, the storks drop them off at doorsteps of newly-wed couples!"

"Not exactly."

"Men", Zuko continued, "have a…dragon and women have…caves!"

"Really? Where's yours Zuko? I saw Roku's dragon once, it was black!"

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, I rode it too!"

"You rode…Avatar Roku's dragon?"

_Avatar Roku had a real dragon, moron._

Sometimes Zuko felt that the voice inside his head was actually Azula.

"Ah, not that kind of dragon. This dragon is between your legs."

"That's a dragon? It doesn't have any wings!"

Zuko banged his head against the wall.

**Why couldn't the Avatar be a normal perverted boy? Why did he have to be a fucking monk?**

"Zuko? Aang? Dear, why are you banging your head against the wall?" said the amused Fire Lady.

**Because I find the Avatar is a fucking monk. No, wait, my problem is that he's a NON-fucking monk!**

Zuko took Katara aside and whispered in her ear.

"See, Toph wants me to give him 'The Talk.'"

"The talk? Oh…'The Talk!'"

"Yes, 'The Talk.'"

"And she came to YOU?" laughed the highly amused Fire Lady.

"What's wrong with me?"

"You nearly died when I tried to seduce you."

"I did not."

"You were glowing like the setting sun!"

"I was not!"

"So, what's the issue?"

"He's a MONK! He has no idea! None at all!"

"I know."

"Could you give me any advice?"

"I can do better than that. I'll give it to him."

"Okay, you'll -WHAT?"

"Relax, I've done it before."

And with that, the mighty Fire Lord got pushed out of his office.

-----------------------------------------One Hour Later---------------------------------------

Katara breezed out of the room, with a blushing Avatar in her wake.

"He didn't go into the Avatar State?" inquired Zuko.

"Nah, blocked his chi."

"What? How?"

"I got Ty to teach me."

"So, you told the whole thing to him?"

"Yeah, as I said, I've done it before."

"To..?"

"Sokka and Ran."

"Ran's just three summers old!"

"Never hurts, Zuko, never hurts. And Mai Lee does like him."

"You want my son to end up with my ex's daughter?

"It's not like you parted as enemies or anything!"

"Yeah, but…**Mai**?

"She's two winters old, it's not much of an age difference!"

"Two **summers** old."

"Winters."

"Summers."

"Winters."

"Summers."

"Winters."

"Summers."

"Winters."

"Uh, Zuko, Katara? Can I go back to my room? I need to rest." interrupted the largely silent Avatar.

"Sure, sure."

"Tell one of the Guards to take you up to your room if you don't feel up to it, honey."

"Katara!"

"What?"

"He's eighteen summers old, he can walk a flight of stairs!"

"Winters!"

Zuko banged his head against the wall.

* * *

**Well, there it is. Le Fin.**

**Again, review if you read!**

**~KoZ**


End file.
